In terms of relationship, friendship, school, family, everything.
I'm not good enough for my peers, my love, my parents, my teachers, I don't know I just feel like, sigh..
Recently I got into some peer pressure and god, I feel betrayed, hurt and angry all at the same time.
*REMINDER*
Please don't get offended in any way possible,
I am just voicing out the things I didn't get to say for a really long time.
In terms of friendship, I try my very best to help everyone who is in need of that shoulder to cry on. And when the problem is done, I don't get acknowledged, remembered, I'm just abandoned.
The problem I have right now is that, I have a friend who is suicidal, she gets depressed quite often and her friends and I try our best to cheer her up and all, especially me, as I am in the same class as her since last year. But, helping her out is harder than I thought it would be.
And I didn't mind that, I understand depression, I know how it feels to get depression. But rejecting your closest's friend's help for almost 5 months and accepting a senior's advice instead? Well that's heart breaking.
It may sound like I am jealous, I'm not.
I just feel like a toy. I cheer her up when I'm super stressed, gloomy, angry, annoyed, I try my very best to help her. But, whenever I beg her not to cut or do anything stupid, she does, and when our senior begs her not to, she listens.
So it has almost been 5 months of being 'rejected' in a way, and I am fed up. I'm seriously giving up. Why should I continue helping when she doesn't even listen? When she doesn't even want to hear me out? When she doesn't even know I'm worrying way too much for her? It's as if I am talking to a wall.
And before the holidays started, I started to give up, I started to not care, I minimise the times I helped and the way I helped, it hurts me way too much.
BUT
I'm getting into a worst situation.
She told my friend that I've changed, I'm not caring any more, I'm not like the freaking mother who nags all the time. Well you are the one who changed me..
Because I don't want to hurt myself or you any more. My words are too hard for you understand and you assume it as insult, a scolding, when I'm trying my very best to be that friend who loves you a lot..
Why must I always be misunderstood by every single thing I do.
Why must people look at my mistakes and not my good deeds.
Everyone makes mistakes, so why are you making a big fuss out of it, it's as if I've never done anything good in my entire life.
Is it that hard to understand a helping hand?
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In terms of family, I've never liked hanging out with my relatives except for the ones around my age. My aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, god mom, god dad, everyone, simple everyone thinks I'm still a child and expects way too high from me, either that or look down on me, it's sickening and hurtful.
I live with my aunt and uncle when school starts as they live closer to my school while I stay quite far. And they have way too much expectations, high ones.
A repeated fact, I am from Normal Academic and I jumped to Express, which is a little more stressful as I need to keep up and such, and my aunt and uncle wants me to get into Top 5 in level and Top 3 in class although I am weak.
It's not really impossible, but stressing a teenage girl and giving her way too high expectations? There's something called 'relax' and 'take it slow'. I got 7th in level and 4th in class, they were semi-satisfied, but they wanted more.
Whenever I hang out with my friends or we coincidently meet, my aunt would ask :
"How are your results?"
"Which stream are you from? Express?"
"Are her results good?"
And, she hates Normal stream students. I don't why, I just call it judgemental.
Last year whenever I told her I'm out with my NA classmates, she would be sad and tell me not to hang out with them, they are 'bad influence'.
VS
This year, she would ask me to go study with them, hang out with them, and study again.
I really hate it when my aunt, or even relatives to that to me. Can you not judge my friends? How are you a modern and sophisticated lady when you are so arrogant and judgemental?
It's bullshit.
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Sigh.. I would be ending here.
I am way to tired of my life and I just want to stop before I get overboard.
Please don't get offended in any way possible,
I am just voicing out the things I didn't get to say for a really long time.
I am just voicing out the things I didn't get to say for a really long time.
So yeah, till the next update, bai!
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